MEDICAL HUMOR: MEDICSL JOKES AND MEDICAL SLANG

 

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Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists are the people who collect the rent.

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Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease

1. You never have to watch reruns on television. 2. You are always meeting new people. 3.You don't have to remember the complaints of your spouse

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Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.

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Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.

Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.

Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of ’em.

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Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill...

Check 3 friends, if they’re okay, you’re it.

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"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?“ "Not really - I spill most of it!"

MEDICAL RIDDLES

Who is a psychiatrist? - One who doesn't have any problem until other people have problems. Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

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What's the difference between a physician, a surgeon, a psychiatrist, and a pathologist ?

The physician knows everything and does nothing.

The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.

The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.

The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.

MEDICAL SLANG

Brain fry - electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for depression. International House of Pancakes - Neurology ward full of patients (usually stroke victims) all babbling in a different language. Squash – brain. Neuron – a neurologist. Oligoneuronal ('few neurons') – stupid. Pumpkin positive - lacking in intelligence; implies that the patient's brain is so small that shining a torch into their mouth would cause their head to light up like a pumpkin. Fruit salad - group of stroke patients, all unable to take care of themselves. Head - a brain-injury patient. Usage - "I’ve got a head I’ve got to deal with." Psychoceramics - psycho-geriatrics. Freud Squad – a psychiatry department. Dement - Alzheimer patient. Downie - Down-Syndrome Slang

THE URINARY SYSTEM

Phonetic exercise: urine [‘juərin], urinary [‘juərinri], excretory [eks’kri:təri], ureters [juə‘ri:təz], urethra [juə‘ri:θrə], medulla [me‘dΛlə], abdomen [‘æbdəmen], abdominal [æb’d minl], diaphragm [‘daiəfræm], urination [,juə‘ri’nei∫n], nephritis [ni’fraitis], pyelonephritis [,paiələni’fraitis], renal failure [‘ri:nl ‘feiljə], urethritis [,juəri:θ’raitis]

 

Make a report on the urinary system according to the plan below:

Definition: an excretory system

Functions: first(ly), to produce urine, second(ly), to store urine, and third(ly), to eliminate urine.

Location: in the abdomen and pelvis.

Structure: 2 kidneys, 2 ureters, the bladder, the urethra, 2 sphincter muscles.

The kidneys: the structure: the renal cortex and the renal medulla; location: in the abdominal cavity in the retroperitoneum, at the vertebral level of thoracic vertebra 12 to lumbar vertebra 3; the right kidney: below the diaphragm and posterior to the liver; the left kidney: below the diaphragm and posterior to the spleen.

The size of the kidney: approximately 11–14 cm in length, 6 cm wide and 4 cm thick.

The weight of each adult kidney: 125 -170 grams in males and 115-155 grams in females.

The main functions of the kidneys: to excrete urine, to regulate acid-base balance, to regulate electrolyte concentrations, to regulate extracellular fluid volume, and to regulate blood pressure.

The ureters: muscular tubes; the main function: to propel urine from the kidneys to the urinary bladder; the length: 25–30 cm; the diameter: 3-4 mm;

The urinary bladder: a hollow muscular, and elastic organ;

the main function: to collect urine excreted by the kidneys. The volume capacity: 300 – 500 ml

The urethra: a tube; the main function: to connect the urinary bladder to the outside of the body.

The external urethral sphincter : a striated muscle; the main function: to allow voluntary control over urination.

The most common diseases: nephritis, glomerulonephritis, kidney stones or nephrolithiasis, kidney tumors, benign kidney tumors, malignant kidney tumors, pyelonephritis, renal failure, kidney cancer, cystitis, bladder cancer, urethritis, etc.

Pyelonephritis

Phonetic exercise: urine [‘juərin], urinary [‘juərinri], excretory [eks’kri:təri], ureters [juə‘ri:təz], urethra [juə‘ri:θrə], abdomen [‘æbdəmen], abdominal [æb’d minl], diaphragm [‘daiəfræm], urination [,juə‘ri’nei∫n], nephritis [ni’fraitis], pyelonephritis [,paiələni’fraitis], renal failure [‘ri:nl ‘feiljə], urethritis [,juəri:θ’raitis], abnormalities [,æbn :‘mælətiz], hyperplasia [,haipə‘plei∫iə]

Make a report on pyelonephritis according to the plan below:

Definition: an ascending urinary tract infection that has reached the pelvis of the kidney, a form of nephritis.

Causes: bowel organisms that enter the urinary tract: E. coli (70-80%) and Enterococcus faecalis; coliforms and enterococci, etc.

Risk factors: any structural abnormalities to the kidneys and the urinary tract, kidney stones, urinary tract catheterisation, urinary tract stents or drainage procedures (e.g. nephrostomy), pregnancy, neurogenic bladder (e.g. due to spinal cord damage or multiple sclerosis) and prostate disease (e.g. benign prostatic hyperplasia) in men; diabetes mellitus, immunocompromised states; positive family history (close family members with frequent urinary tract infections), etc.

Epidemiology: Pyelonephritis is very common, with 12-13 cases annually per 10,000 population in women and 3-4 cases per 10,000 in men. Young women are most likely to be affected, traditionally reflecting sexual activity in that age group. Infants and the elderly are also at increased risk, reflecting anatomical abnormalities and hormonal status.

Symptoms, signs, clinical manifestations, clinical features: dysuria (painful voiding of urine), abdominal pain (radiating to the back on the affected side) and tenderness of the bladder area and the side of the involved kidney (costovertebral angle tenderness), fever, rigors (violent shivering while the temperature rises), headache, and vomiting, delirium in severe cases; sepsis, a systemic response to infection characterized by fever, a raised heart rate, rapid breathing and decreased blood pressure (occasionally leading to septic shock).

Diagnosis: culture of the urine; blood cultures; X-rays of the kidneys, ureters and bladder (KUB); ultrasound of the kidneys, voiding cystourethrography, etc.

Treatment: antibiotics as therapy, and treatment of any underlying causes to prevent recurrence; nutritional approaches: increasing fluid intake, consuming cranberry juice, blueberry juice, and fermented milk products containing probiotic bacteria, etc.

Renal failure

Phonetic exercise: urine [‘juərin], urinary [‘juərinri], excretory [eks’kri:təri], ureters [juə‘ri:təz], urethra [juə‘ri:θrə], failure [‘feilə], urination [,juə‘ri’nei∫n], renal failure [‘ri:nl ‘feiljə], acute [ə‘kju:t], chronic [‘kr nik], adequately [‘ædikwətli], injury [’ind3əri], diabetes [,daiə’bi:ti:z], urea [‘juəri;ə], nocturnal [n k’tə:nl], urination [,juəri‘nei∫n], excess [ik’ses], hyperplasia [,haipə‘plei∫iə], accidents [‘æksidənts], injury [‘ind3əri], supply [sə‘plai], approximately [ə‘pr ksimətli], damage [‘dæmid3], pressure [‘pre∫ə], intravenous [,intrə‘vi:nəs], dialysis [dai’æləsis], transplant [træn’spla:nt, tr n’spla:nt] 

Make a report on renal failure according to the plan below:

Definition: a situation in which the kidneys fail to function adequately.

Classification: two forms of renal failure: acute (acute kidney injury) and chronic (chronic kidney disease).

Causes of acute kidney failure: the result of a sudden interruption in the blood supply to the kidney, or as a result of a toxic overload of the kidneys. Some causes of acute failure: accidents, injuries or complications from surgery where the kidneys are deprived of normal blood flow for an extended period of time, heart-bypass surgery, drug overdoses, whether accidental or from chemical overloads of drugs such as antibiotics or chemotherapy, etc.

Causes of chronic kidney disease: diabetes mellitus, long-standing, uncontrolled, hypertension, polycystic kidney disease, overuse of some common drugs, such as aspirin, ibuprofen, codeine and acetaminophen, etc.

Epidemiology: Acute kidney injury is common among hospitalized patients. It affects some 3-7% of patients admitted to the hospital and approximately 25-30% of patients in the intensive care unit.

In Canada, 1.9 to 2.3 million people have chronic kidney disease. UK estimates suggest that 8.8% of the population of Great Britain and Northern Ireland have symptomatic CKD.

Symptoms, signs, clinical manifestations, clinical features: no symptoms; but if the kidney failure continues then symptoms will become noticeable; symptoms of kidney failure: high levels of urea in the blood; vomiting and/or diarrhea, which may lead to dehydration; nausea; weight loss; nocturnal urination; foamy or bubbly urine; more frequent urination, or in greater amounts than usual, with pale urine; less frequent urination, or in smaller amounts than usual, with dark coloured urine; blood in the urine; pressure, or difficulty urinating; itching; bone damage; muscle cramps (caused by low levels of calcium which can cause hypocalcaemia); a build up of potassium in the blood that diseased kidneys cannot filter out (called hyperkalemia): abnormal heart rhythms, muscle paralysis; failure of kidneys to remove excess fluid may cause: swelling of the legs, ankles, feet, face and/or hands, shortness of breath due to extra fluid on the lungs (may also be caused by anemia), polycystic kidney disease, which causes large, fluid-filled cysts on the kidneys and sometimes the liver: pain in the back or side; feeling tired and/or weak, memory problems, difficulty concentrating, dizziness, low blood pressure; other symptoms: appetite loss, a bad taste in the mouth, difficulty sleeping, darkening of the skin, etc.

Treatment of acute kidney failure: avoidance of substances that are toxic to the kidneys, called nephrotoxins; monitoring of renal function, urinary catheters; specific therapies: intravenous fluids, steroid medications, nephrostomy or urinary catheter, diuretics, renal replacement therapy, etc.

Treatment of chronic kidney failure: control of blood pressure and treatment of the original disease; angiotensin converting enzyme inhibitors (ACEIs) or angiotensin II receptor antagonists (ARBs); replacement therapy: in the form of either dialysis or a transplant; dietary modifications, etc.

Kidney transplantation or renal transplantation: the organ transplant of a kidney into a patient with end-stage renal disease.

 

Urinary tract infection

Phonetic exercise: urine [‘juərin], urinary [‘juərinri], urination [,juə‘ri’nei∫n], injury [’ind3əri], hematuria [,hi:mə‘tjuriə], hydration [hai’drei∫n], encourage [in’kΛrid3], catheters [‘kæθitəz], malformations [,mæl’f :mei∫nz], dysuria [dis’juəriə, dis’juiriə], urge [ə:d3], diarrhea [,daiə‘riə], appetite [‘æpitait], nausea [‘n :siə], fever [‘fi:və], incontinence [in’k ntinəns], malaise [mə‘leiz, mæ‘leiz], capsules [‘kæpsju:lz], estrogen [‘i:strəd3ən] , cream [kri:m], hygiene [‘haid3i:n]

 

Make a report on kidney stones according to the plan below:

Definition: a bacterial infection that affects any part of the urinary tract.

The main etiologic agent: Escherichia coli.

Causes and risk factors: urinary catheters, genetics, a family histori of UTI, diabetes, sickle-cell disease or anatomical malformations of the urinary tract such as prostate enlargement, blood born infections, etc.

The most common type of UTI: acute cystitis often referred to as a bladder infection.

Symptoms, signs, clinical manifestations, clinical features: burning with urination (dysuria); frequency of urination; an urge to urinate; pyelonephritis: flank pain and a fever; in young children: diarrhea; loss of appetite; nausea and vomiting; fever and excessive crying that cannot be resolved by typical measures; in older children: abdominal pain, incontinence; in adults: hematuria (blood in the urine); inability to urinate despite the urge and malaise; other signs of urinary tract infections: foul smelling urine and urine that appears cloudy.

Epidemiology: Women are more prone to UTIs than men because in females the urethra is much shorter and closer to the anus than in males, and they lack the bacteriostatic properties of prostatic secretions.

In the USA, urinary tract infections account for nearly 7 million office visits and 1 million emergency department visits, resulting in 100,000 hospitalizations.

Diagnosis: urinalysis, urine culture, imaging study, retrograde urethrography, x-ray, nuclear medicine, MRI and CT scans, etc.

Treatment and prevention: a prolonged course ( 6 months to a year ) of low-dose antibiotics, oral antibiotics such as trimethoprim, cephalosporins, nitrofurantoin, or a fluoroquinolone such as ciprofloxacin; IV antibiotics; cranberry (juice or capsules), topical estrogen cream, changes in the personal hygiene, drinking water etc.

Breastfeeding can reduce the risk of UTIs in infants.

 

MEDICAL HUMOR

A urologist’s license plate:


MEDICAL SLANG

Bean - n. kidney. Stream team – the urology service collectively. Pecker checker – a urologist. Duck - portable urinal for bedridden male hospital patients. Pee Princess - a patient who constantly urinates.

THE EARS

Phonetic exercise: ears [iəz], pinna [‘pinə], auricle [‘ :rikl], ear canal [‘iə kə‘næl], ear drum [‘iə ‘drΛm], malleus [‘mæliəs], hammer [‘hæmə], incus [‘iŋkəs], anvil [‘ænvil], stapes [‘steipi:z], stirrup [‘stirəp], cochlea [‘k kliə], labyrinth [‘læbirinθ], vestibular apparatus [ves’tibjələ ,æpə‘reitəs], otitis [əu’taitis], hearing impairment [‘hiəriŋ im’pεəmənt], deafness [‘defnis]

 

Make a report on the ears according to the following plan:

Definition: the organs that detect sounds.

Function: to detect sounds.

Structure: t hree main parts: the outer ear, the middle ear, the inner ear.

The outer ear: the pinna or auricle, the ear canal, and the ear drum

The middle ear: an air-filled cavity behind the ear drum; three ear bones: the malleus or hammer, incus or anvil, stapes or stirrup.

The inner ear: the cochlea and labyrinth or vestibular apparatus.

Otoplasty: a cosmetic surgery to change the appearance of a person's external ears. Forms of otoplasty: bringing the ears closer to the head, reducing the size of very big ears, etc.

The most common diseases: otitis, external otitis, otitis media, otitis interna, hearing impairment or deafness, noise induced hearing loss, etc.

 

Hearing impairment

Phonetic exercise: hearing impairment [‘hiəriŋ im’pεəmənt], deafness [‘defnis], ears [iəz], ear canal [‘iə ‘kə‘næl], ear drum [‘iə ‘drΛm], detect [di’tekt], perceive [pə‘si:v], species [‘spi:∫i:iz], permanent [‘pə:mənənt], damage [‘dæmid3], excessive [ik’sesiv], exposure [iks’pəu3ə], vibrations [vai’brei∫nz], converted [k n’və:tid], subsequently [‘sΛbsikwentli], processes [‘prəusəsiz], acquisition [,ækwi’zi∫n], occur [ə‘kə:], congenital [kən’d3enitl], frequencies [‘fri:kwensiz], adolescent [,ædə’lesənt], adolescence [,ædə’lesəns], adult [‘ædΛlt; ə’dΛlt], chlamydia [klə‘midiə], diuretics [,daijuə’retiks], cochlea [‘k kliə]

 

Make a report on h earing impairment according to the plan below:

Definition: deafness; a condition in which individuals are fully or partially unable to detect or perceive at least some frequencies of sound which can typically be heard by members of their species.

Epidemiology: hearing loss in children: 12% of children aged 6–19 years have permanent hearing damage from excessive noise exposure, etc.

A conductive hearing impairment: an impairment resulting from dysfunction in any of the mechanisms that normally conduct sound waves through the outer ear, the eardrum or the bones of the middle ear.

A sensorineural hearing impairment: an impairment resulting from dysfunction in the inner ear, especially the cochlea where sound vibrations are converted into neural signals, or in any part of the brain that subsequently processes these signals.

Prelingual deafness: hearing impairment that is sustained prior to the acquisition of language, which can occur as a result of a congenital condition or through hearing loss in early infancy.

Post-lingual deafness: hearing impairment that is sustained after the acquisition of language, which can occur as a result of disease, trauma, or as a side-effect of a medicine.

Unilateral impairment: single sided deafness, an impairment in only one ear.

Causes of hearing loss: progressive loss of ability to hear high frequencies with increasing age; long-term exposure to environmental noise (car stereos, children's toys, transportation, crowds, lawn and maintenance equipment, power tools, gun use, and even hair dryers); genetics, congenital defects; disease or illness: measles, meningitis, autoimmune disease, mumps, adenoids that do not disappear by adolescence, chlamydia in newborns, fetal alcohol syndrome, premature birth, otosclerosis; medications: aminoglycosides (main member gentamicin), some diuretics, aspirin and NSAIDs, and macrolide antibiotics; exposure to ototoxic chemicals: metals, such as lead; solvents; physical trauma: exposure to very loud noise, exposure to a single event of extremely loud noise (such as explosions), etc.

Management: cochlear implants; gene therapy; adaptations to hearing impairment;

assistive devices: telecommunication devices for the deaf (TDD, textphone and minicom, mobile textphone devices, videophones; hearing dogs, a specific type of assistance dog specifically selected and trained to assist the deaf and hearing impaired by alerting their handler to important sounds, such as doorbells, smoke alarms, ringing telephones, or alarm clocks; other assistive devices: flashing lights to signal events such as a ringing telephone, a doorbell, or a fire alarm, etc.

MEDICAL HUMOR

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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A young man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days." "My good man," replied the doctor, "I removed them six years ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?" "No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"

THE EYES

Phonetic exercise: eyes [aiz], outermost layer [‘autəməust ‘leiə], cornea [‘k :niə], sclera [skliərə], iris [‘aiəris], opaque [əu’peik], choroid ([‘k :roid], ciliary [‘siliəri], retina [‘retinə], cataract [‘kætærəkt], glaucoma [gl :’kəumə], blindness [‘blaindnis], myopia [mai’əupiə]

 

Make a report on the eyes according to the plan below:

Definition: organs that detect light.

Functions: first(ly), to detect light, and, second(ly), to send electrical impulses along the optic nerve to the visual and other areas of the brain.

Structure: three coats: the outer layer, the middle layer, and the innermost layer.

The outermost layer: the cornea and sclera;

The cornea: the transparent front part of the eye that covers the iris, pupil, and anterior chamber.

The sclera: the opaque, white, fibrous, protective outer layer of the eye.

The middle layer: the choroid, the ciliary body, and the iris.

The choroid: the vascular layer containing connective tissue of the eye lying between the retina and the sclera.

The ciliary body: the  tissue inside the eye composed of the ciliary muscle and ciliary processes.

The iris is a membrane in the eye responsible for controlling the diameter and size of the pupil and the amount of light reaching the retina.

The innermost layer: the retina

The retina: a complex, layered structure with several layers of neurons.

The lens: a transparent structure in the eye that, along with the cornea, helps to refract light to be focused on the retina.

Eye color: the color of the iris. Eye colors: green, blue, or brown.

The most common diseases of the eyes: cataract, glaucoma, blindness, total blindness, partial blindness, myopia, hyperopia, retinopathy, diabetic retionopathy, etc.

MYOPIA

Phonetic exercise: eyes [aiz], outermost layer [‘autəməust ‘leiə], cornea [‘k :niə], sclera [skliərə], iris [‘aiəris], opaque [ u’peik], choroid [‘k :roid], ciliary [‘siliəri], retina [‘retinə], crystalline [‘kristəlain], lens [lenz], cataract [‘kætærəkt], glaucoma    [gl :’kəumə], blindness [‘blaindnis], myopia [mai’əupiə], refractive [ri’fræktiv], defect [di’fekt], image [‘imid3], prevalence [‘prevələns], occurrence [ə’kΛrəns; ə’k :rəns], axial [‘æksiəl], curvature [‘kə:vət∫ə], degenerative [di’d3enərətiv], nocturnal              [n k’tə:nəl], deprivation [,depri’vei∫n], pseudomyopia [,sju:dəmai’əupiə], medium [‘mi:diəm], congenital [kən’d3enətl], onset [‘ nset], genetic [d3ə’netik, d3i’netik], environmental [in,vaiərən’mentl], atropine [‘ætrəpin, ‘ætrəpi:n]

 

Make a report on myopia according to the plan below:

Definition: a refractive defect of the eye in which light produces image focus in front of the retina when accommodation is relaxed.

Epidemiology: The global prevalence of refractive errors has been estimated from 800 million to 2.3 billion. The incidence of myopia within sampled population often varies with age, country, sex, race, ethnicity, occupation, environment, and other factors.

Classification:

Axial myopia is attributed to an increase in the eye's axial length.

Refractive myopia is attributed to the condition of the refractive elements of the eye.

Curvature myopia is attributed to excessive, or increased, curvature of one or more of the refractive surfaces of the eye, especially the cornea.

Degree of myopia:

Low myopia usually describes myopia of −3.00 diopters or less (i.e. closer to 0.00).

Medium myopia usually describes myopia between −3.00 and −6.00 diopters.

High myopia usually describes myopia of −6.00 or more.

Age at onset:

Congenital myopia, also known as infantile myopia, is present at birth and persists through infancy.

Youth onset myopia occurs prior to age 20.

School myopia appears during childhood, particularly the school-age years.

Early adult onset myopia occurs between ages 20 and 40.

Late adult onset myopia occurs after age 40.

Дата: 2018-09-13, просмотров: 35.